ClixBagOfTricks

How quickly the tides rise and fall. It seems so recently it was beginning, yet while in the middle of it all it seemed like it had always been. I guess these are the ways things go when you’re the one living it rather than one observing it. So… I violated 3 rules with this girl.. Let me run over them really quick. (Only continue if you want to read about personal non-rave stuff)

1. Don’t date a smoker
2. Don’t date somebody you’re photographing
3. Don’t date a raver

The third one isnt as big a deal really… just kinda something that seemed like a good idea. Since a lot of people have been asking for the rundown… I’ll give the story here:

So I was hangin out at Graffiti shop when Lawrence introduces me to a really cute girl named Chelsea aka Bonnie. She had apparently had some trouble in LA with her most recent modeling gig. Knowing about my photo work, Lawrence thought we’d work together nicely. We did. Did our first shoot at Graffiti and it turned out amazing. It was a 2 part set, and the first part can be seen on eroticbpm.com currently. So we decided to hang out and ended up going riding then spending some time at Sunsplash… and from there it all went so quickly and before I knew what was going on I had a girlfriend and I was falling fast.

There were several signs of potential trouble, but I pretty much threw caution to the wind and figured, if you dont risk the chance of getting hurt, you’re never going to get the rewards of having put it all out there and getting it all back and then some. It’s like playing blackjack I say… you can sit and play $5 safe bets all night and never go anywhere… you have to bet big from time to time to make a come up. She quickly became a part of my everyday life and I didnt mind a bit.

Our first problem came when she finally came clean and admitted to me that she’d been lying about being a non drug user. She told me she hadnt really done E, coke, or anything of the sort since she got out of rehab… but finally told me that she was actually still using coke/meth however wanted to quit. Right as we decided to be officially together, she quit.. or so she said… I have a feeling she may have been sneaking some coke use while continuing to talk about how much she enjoyed knowing that I was proud of her for staying clean.

We spent our time together fairly happily… except when her friend Amanda was around. She’d change whenever Amanda was around and treated me much differently… It was almost like she wanted all of her friends to think she actually hated me or something, but when we were alone or around my friends it was the exact opposite. One time while hanging out with them both after a rave, I cracked a joke that she misunderstood and she hit me fairly hard. The hit itself didnt hurt but she snagged my nipple ring which did kinda sting. When I told her it hurt, she said “you shouldnt have pissed me off.” First sign of violence I shoulda fled, but no, I stuck around. I later found out that the ability to hurt or lie without feeling remorse was a running theme with this girl. I broke up with her the next day after realizing that I couldnt be with somebody who could hit me and hurt me and not feel the least bit bad about it. Like a moron, the next day after she asked with what seemed to be genuine care, if we could be together and work on our problems… I took her back. Mistake 2.

Things went back together fairly smoothly, but I did find out that appology or remorse were two functions of personality her repertoire was lacking. I just tried to ignore the fact that she treated me so differently while around amanda and that she got flirty with people but yelled at me for doing the same thing.

Mistake 3 came at Skyline 5.1. It was half my mistake… after all the weirdness… I just had to know… so I let a friend peek thru her text messages… I shouldnt have let jealousy rear its ugly head and get the better of me… but who hasnt snooped a time or two? So there were a few text messages along the lines of “do you still want me to send you that picture of my cock” “I just wish I would have kissed you that night at the rave” and “We’ll just play it safe until you’ve been on birthcontrol a while.” None of these are messages you’d think a girl would be getting from guys other than her boyfriend while she’s dating him. So the first half of the mistake was snooping… the second half was staying around after what I saw… But we talked about stuff and she insisted that I needed to just trust her… that was a running theme… “just trust me” which struck me as funny a little later… which I suppose I should explain.

So a week or two later she asks me if I can take her to see her friend Jessie. He consequently ended up being my buddy too and is a way nifty guy… reminds me a WHOLE lot of my buddy Tommy back in ohio. Anyways… She wanted to go talk to him… so we made the 27 mile trip out there… and after hangin out an hour or two… she tells me that she needs to talk to him and I should leave. We did have plans to hang out later that night… so she says go hang out at the walmart and she’ll txt me when to come grab her… I get there… hang out 15 minutes.. and get a text that says nevermind go home.. I’m staying overnight here. wow… But… I got the feeling from Jessie (as it turns out I was right) that he’s an ok guy and well whatever… Dealing with that situation wasnt as much a mistake as it was a kinda kick in the pants..

Things continue rolling as smoothly as they can… with the occasional kink in the works… for instance her modeling manger Jeff got really butthurt about her and I dating. She had been a lil weird about him from the beginning and whenever I asked why, she just kinda clammed up. I asked if I was stepping in on a relationship or something, or if they’d just been smoochy, or what would make him freak out about her being with me. She always swore up and down it was nothing but professional and that she didnt know why he was freaking out. I had an idea… Back during the snooping incident there was a message from him that said “sad you’re not gonna be here working my cock” and a response from her that said “yeah me too.” I wrote it off as casual flirting to keep him interested… girls do that. At one point he actually told her that if she didnt have me call him to tell him we were broken up, that he was dropping her career like a hot potato. He referred to me as an ICP wanna be (yech I hate those guys) and the court jester… which I can accept… court jester rather fits me sometimes.. Anyways… while we were out for coffee she showed me a message she got from him and I caught a glimpse of the line “I enjoyed fucking you and massing your and learning about your body.” Wow… caught in a lie… Which brings mistake #4. I didnt say anything about it then and there… I just kinda felt hurt that she’d talk over and over for weeks about how she needed me to trust her and she was lying to me the WHOLE time. Thats not healthy behavior.

That brings us up to last night… cinco de mayo… After a big long series of multi page text messages we decide it’d be best to forget everything and start over like we’d just met. Mistake #5… Going back AGAIN and giving somebody I know is bound to hurt me yet another chance. The plan was this.. confess to eachother anything we’d be hiding, lying about, or being untruthful about. get everything out and start with a clean slate. I told her I wouldnt be mad about anything she admitted to me. Since we were starting over new, if she’d do me the same courtesy, we could get it all out, not worry about hurting feelings and move on. What a great chance for her to get the whold banging Jeff thing off her chest right? I mean… I don’t know why she needed to lie about it anyways… it was before we even met, so it shouldnt be anything I was concerned about… but when he began to impact our relationship, and I wanted to know why… it became my business… especially when I was being lied to about it… Ne ways… I confessed a thing or two to her, and she said she had nothing. I told her I knew about it all and she freaked and went totally on the offense. I told her “look, I dont care… I dont care that you banged him, and I dont care that you lied about it… just admit it.. we’ll get over it… and start over.” We spent a good hour texting back and forth and she would never just come out and say “I lied to you.” She actually said “I didnt lie to you the whole time” and I had to point out that yes, many things she said were lies… but like I said.. remorse or the ability to be wrong are two things she’s lacking. That pretty much summed up our inability to restart clean and why I am, as I type this, once again, a single guy.

I stopped by her place today to try to talk and make sure we could at least remain friends and maybe even think about getting over stuff some time in the future. That was mistake #6. Making myself seem like somebody who would keep coming back no matter what, when in fact I just wanted to preserve a friendship. She had pretty much thrown caution of anything coming back to the wind as well, as she already had bite and suck marks all over her neck and shoulders.. classy! She sent me some pretty mean text messages after that and I had to remind her that “hey, we are done… why are you trying to start a fight/conversation now? the time for that was when we were face to face.” She said a great many more mean things to which I simply replied “sticks and stones.” She’s an interesting girl and I’d like to stay buds with her at some point, but we’ll see how that goes. I was tempted to be vindictive and post mean photos or whatever… but that would drop me to her level of maturity and quite frankly I’m happy where Im at. She does however owe me $225 I loaned her to get her new apartment, so getting that back should prove interesting. Maybe if she saves the money she woulda spent on acid/shrooms/coke for a few weekends worth of raves it’ll add up quickly.